


A joy that kills

by BloodRedPetals



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 16:03:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodRedPetals/pseuds/BloodRedPetals





	A joy that kills

I take deep breaths, yet I still feel like I am suffocating.

No matter how hard I try, I feel like I'm collapsing on myself. Like a set of never ending spiral stairs that only get darker whether I go up or down. And slowly, day by day, I attempt to bulid myself back together and, make sure to super glue myself tightly so that I do not fall apart all over again. I hide behind a shield of toughness. I raise my fists up high and puff my chest out in defiance, I wear a proud smirk on my face and bare through it. Sometimes, I feel like I am actually going to make it to the next day.

Until _you_ come along.

My breath catches in my throat, my heart pounds in my ears so loudly that I could barely hear my own thoughts. The blood rushes through my veins, and the heat rises to my skin. And suddenly, that shield that I had spent all night trying to rebuild is stripped away, leaving me bare, weak, and it is all done with just one glance. When you smile at me, it is like I have finally taken that breath that I had been so despretely needing, yet at the same time, it is like I have crumbled again. Like as soon as I take that breath, it is stolen from my very lungs once again. You are like gravity. As soon as I reach the top to success, you pull me back down to the cold reality. I am a fool, for sometimes, I allow you to pull me back down without a fight just to see your handsome smiling face. yet I know that you are only pulling farther away from the place I had originally started at.

It is as if you had placed these heavy weights on my shoulders without me noticing and force me to swim. I'm drowning and all you can do is smile! This weight is pulling me deeper and deeper into that black abyss, so deep that my muscles ache from the struggle, my body is numb, but my mind is racing. But it is too late, I am so deep in that I can not find my way back up. Now it feels like I've been 6 feet under for so long that I do not even bother to surface for that long overdue breath. I scold myself for falling pray to your sweet words and charming smile.

But every time I see you again. I fall right back into your trap with a sparkle in my eyes and a stupid smile plastered on my lips.

And the worst part is, I go willingly.

You are like the treacherous snake from Adam and Eve. You trick me with your smooth words and confident smile. But the only difference is, I never seem to learn my lesson, which is why I continue to slip deeper in.

I wake up etra early, worrying about my hair, my make- up, my clothes, but all my feeble attempts go in vain. I am 99.9% that you will never share common feelings with me, but it's that 0.01% that keeps me going. Each day, I am slowly dying, but I put that smile on my face and mask the pain and grief that I have to carry on my shoulders. Why do I continue to do this? Why do I continue to kill myself each day, lie and believe that one day you will share those feelings back to me? Oh yeah. It is because of you. It always is because of you and I do not think it will ever change. I can see the way you look at me. It is as if you are not truly looking at me, you are looking through me... to someone else. I must be a glutton for pain. You wouldn't believe the things I would go through just for you. For a boy who doesn't even care. How stupid, what a waste of time, how pathetic! This is like suicide but I push on anyway, for _you._ I didn't realize it until now.

You truly are _a joy that kills._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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